Domestic Violence: the Damage is Often Long-term

Australian Woman Agrees to an Interview on How DV Changes a Person

Oct 29, 2009

Six years after Alice escaped from her physically and emotionally abusive relationship, she offers up her personal perspective on the lingering effects of family violence

Speaking about domestic violence is enormously difficult and it can be as challenging for the listener as it is for those who have suffered it. In an interview with an Australian woman, Alice, (her identity is concealed on her request) she explains why she believes open discussion about family violence is still very much taboo and speaks frankly about how her experiences have profoundly changed the way she sees her world.

Speaking About Domestic Violence is Difficult for Everyone

ALICE: People don't know the right questions to ask. They really don't. More than likely, they will focus on the physical abuse. They try to be sensitive, but anyone who has ever suffered (domestic violence) knows they really want a blow-by-blow description. It's not that they are awful people. They just want some context, I guess, but if they continue in that direction they won't get it.

ALICE: I think most people want to believe that family is the safest place to be; that relationships are two people in collaboration. I understand this. That is what I thought too without even really knowing that I did, so I think people try to factor their own faith into other people's stories.

The Darker Side of Human Nature

ALICE: I was in domestic violence counseling for two years. It helped me to reconfigure. It turned out that my belief in the sanctity of relationships was a kind of bedrock for me, a foundation on which I built many other beliefs, and when it cracked, everything fell. Everything. It was like a psychological near-death experience, you know.

ALICE (laughing): Now, there's a question. I used to and now I don't. I can't believe what is at the heart of them. It's that simple.

Living With Fear

ALICE: I used to see the cracks everywhere, all the time, and I expect it made me a difficult friend. After long-term counseling though, I came to understand how important beliefs really are to people; how important they are to me.

ALICE: It was the fear. I'd lived with it for so long, I almost missed identifying it. Counseling once again helped. I probably came across as paranoid, but you know that old saying, 'If the threat is real. It's not paranoia.' I had to remember that. I think it must be common for people who have suffered family abuse to downplay their fear. It's how you survive, but it also escalates it, you know? I had to accept, even once the relationship was over, that I was scared all the time. It feels like an illness. It affects everyday decision making.

ALICE: Yes, its very much like shock. You know when you've had a car accident or something like that, there is a muffled feeling. The thoughts come much more slowly; the sensations too. Yes, its very much like shock, but its an extended version. It becomes a way of life.

ALICE: I know I am less scared now. I don't jump when I see the same car as his anymore and don't have to read the number plate to feel safe. A domestic violence restraining order helped me. It gave me space to allow the fear to diminish, but the problem is and will always be that it happened and because it did, I can't go back to believing in what I once did. I'm incredibly cautious. It's been nearly seven years and inside myself, I know that I have no wish for a serious relationship. I've tried to be normal, but, to date, my heart isn't in it. I am possibly the world's worst first date. I'm too weird for words. It used to bug me, but now I know that if it doesn't feel right, its not.

ALICE: It may. Perhaps I have more reconfiguring to do and it will feel alright again some day. But then again, maybe it won't. It doesn't really matter in a way. I was in a relationship where I couldn't breathe, and now I can. It's possible that I'm just high on my independence.

White Ribbon Day

INTERVIEWER: White Ribbon Day is approaching. How do you feel about the public initiatives which focus on the issues of domestic violence?

ALICE: I think what people are doing with Domestic Violence Month in Australia and internationally with White Ribbon Day does help bring the issues out into the open, but it can also lump sufferers into stereotypical boxes, as other than everyone else. We are everyone and individuals as well. I don't think the gender debate which often accompanies dialogue on domestic violence helps though. It's not about gender. It's about people, traumatised people.

Step-by-Step

Understanding is normally a sly beast. It creeps up on one, but Alice makes it uncomfortably and painfully unavoidable. There is a pure and logical sense in what she says. The highly-prized individuality in nations, such as Australia, might thinly mask a strong and supported faith in relationships, but there is no doubt its there. Alice's experience runs contrary to this and it is difficult to hear, but it needs to be acknowledged. Perhaps that is how large-scale shifts in thinking occur, step-by-step, individual by individual......and perhaps, gaining some understanding of the complexities of domestic violence is more about the societal attitudes of non-sufferers, than it has to do with individuals, like Alice.

The copyright of the article Domestic Violence: the Damage is Often Long-term in International Human Rights is owned by Gabrielle Pollock. Permission to republish Domestic Violence: the Damage is Often Long-term in print or online must be granted by the author in writing.